The Introvert Cheat Sheet

Bridge near Bear Mountain, photo by Ariella Brown

I saw the title in my email and knew I really shouldn't click it, but my curiosity got the best of me. In spite of my expectations, I clicked the Contently-promoting article, The Introvert’s Guide to Creative Collaboration and found very little that really fits the needs of introverts.

Small talk, for real?
I really got a sense that the author, Bradley Little, is not an introvert. While he claims he his approach doesn't require any form of "rewiring" pushing introverts into small talk is the equivalent of forcing a lefty to write with her right hand. She may look like she's doing the "normal" thing, but she'll be very awkward and clumsy at it, which will make her less confident in the situation.
In other words, the following is extremely bad advice for introverts:

When you’re nervous going into a call, break the ice. Small talk helps you find connections but it will also get you out of your head. Comment on the weather. Yeah, it’s dumb. We all know it’s dumb. But it’s something anyone can talk about. Ask them how their morning is going. Ask them about their weekend. Do they have kids? Where do they live?
It really doesn’t matter what it is. The important thing is to see the people you’re talking to as just that—people.

This is wrong on so many counts!
Asking about kids may even be an illegal question in some contexts, so stay off family unless the other person explicitly bring it up.
Introverts don't necessarily have a fear of people. That's shyness, rather than introversion. Sometimes the two are coupled in the same person, but they are not synonymous.

 
It's true that many introverts hate talking on the phone. They have a serious aversion to the instrument, so for them, an in-person meeting may actually be preferable. If you're not a phone person, ask about meeting for coffee, or the like. That will actually win you major points because extroverts value in-person contact.

 
The key to getting the conversation flowing is not stilted small talk hitting on a topic that the person is passionate about. They will be able to go on and on, and you just have to ask the relevant questions, interjecting appropriate comments here and there. The result will be a much more stimulating conversation that creates a deeper connection than you can ever achieve from "So what do you think about this weather we've been having, huh?"

 
Now you may be thinking, "But how do I get to find the person's passion?" It's not all that difficult if the purpose of the call is related to business. You already know what the person does for a living, and you can ask about their work-related motivation, how they see their company's position, etc. Introverts are actually amazing conversational partners because they don't seek to dominate the conversation themselves and give the other person the opportunity to talk about himself. Who doesn't love that?

 
Absolute perfection is unattainable
To give credit where credit is due, it does bring up the important issue of impostor syndrome. However, that is something that applies to all people, and not just introvert. There's no substantiation that introverts are more afflicted than the general population, though the tendency toward introspection does also likely result in more self-doubt. A good article on overcoming that is Cat Neligan's Five Tips to Overcome Impostor Syndrome.

 
My own tip is overcoming an inclination to perfectionism because that holds you back from accomplishing. Sure, you want your published work to be as perfect as possible, but if you obsess over every dot and tittle in it, you will never meet a deadline or be able to move on to the next project at a pace that really allows you to make a living at this.

 
Will people gloat if a writer includes a typo? Sure. Should you let that destroy your self-image, though? No. 

Even the highest paid baseball players are not expected to bat a thousand. It simply is not humanly possible. And it is not humanly possible to NEVER make a mistake. Holding yourself to that standard is absurd, so forgive yourself, fix what you can, and move on.

 
Ask for What You Want
Of course, you don't merely want to move on but to move up, and this is the most important thing to advance your career: you have to ask for what you want. That means asking people to consider you for a job, recommend you for a job, or even getting a raise on the job you have.

 
I admit this is very difficult for introverts. The prevailing fantasy in a hard-working introvert's mind is that all the effort put in will be noticed and appreciated, and the people who do that will simply give us what we wish for without our having to express it. This is a nice fairy tale that rarely comes true.

 
I put in the qualifier above because really it does sometimes come true to some extent. I have had people contact me out of the blue because they recall my interviewing them for an article in another publication and so came back to me when they and are in the position of hiring writers. But even in those cases, it sometimes takes months for these things to get off the ground, and it may prove to be a very short-term need.

 
There's no escaping the need to keep not just looking for new opportunities but asking for them.
And as for the raises, I have yet to have someone just say, "You know you've been doing good work for us for several years now, and you deserve a raise." It doesn't happen. But I have had some honest editor admit, that, yes, they were paying some of their writers more, and I did deserve that higher rate. But I had to ask.

 
Does that mean it always works? Not at all. I've had my requests for raises turned down with the excuse that the budget was fixed, and that was that. So I may have been disappointed, but I was not in fact any worse off than I had been before asking.

 
As for recommendations, here's the thing: you definitely want some decent recommendations on your LinkedIn profile. But most managers won't just offer to do it, not because you don't deserve it but because it entails some work on their part. So again, you have to ask and sometimes even follow up with a gentle reminder. You may never get one from some people, but if you don't ask, you'll have none at all.

 
The Introvert Cheat Sheet
Play to your conversational strengths to make connections, including the medium of communication.
Don't let perfectionism hold you back. Good things don't always come to those who wait and have to be actively pursued.

 

(I posted this article to LinkedIn under the title Real Tips for Introverts) 

 
For more on introversion, read:
http://uncommoncontent.blogspot.com/2012/05/perspectives-on-introversion-this-is.html
http://uncommoncontent.blogspot.com/2012/04/working-alone.html
http://uncommoncontent.blogspot.com/2012/04/great-introvert.html
http://uncommoncontent.blogspot.com/2013/06/jane-austens-heroines-from-extroverted.html
http://uncommoncontent.blogspot.com/2013/08/happiness-is.html
http://uncommoncontent.blogspot.com/2014/12/views-on-boundaries.html
http://uncommoncontent.blogspot.com/2013/11/public-or-it-didnt-happen.html